in a wonderland they lie

thoughts at 6:12 PM:

well, i had a lot planned today. the key word is planned. after receiving a text from my boss at about 6:30 in the morning that i wasn’t working today, i decided to sleep in. mind you, sleeping for me now is about 10:30. i woke up with a plan to 1) update my phone (my ipod was stolen so i no longer have the option of waiting until i get a bunch of new music to update) 2) clean my room 3) do my laundry 4) make lunch 5) get ready for FNO with my friend. well, half way through the first item on my list, my friend texts me saying that they might have strep throat. fearing the worst, they told me that it was going to be a night in for them and to move onto plan b. well, i enacted plans b-h to see if anyone wanted to go/don’t have a group yet/wanted to add me to their group. no such luck. being FNO, its more fun in a group than going solo. i resolved that it was either going to be at least me and one other person or not going out at all. seeing as it has already started at this point… yeah. moving onto item number two, i didn’t feel like cleaning my room. i did however finish my laundry and it is awaiting me to hang up/fold what is needed. i might clean my room after that, but maybe. lunch was okay, i fumbled the sauce and instead of a gravy it turned into a jelly. definitely not appetizing. and for the last item, well that’s a moot point now. instead i swapped out my speakers for a newer set and now my floor shakes from the bass. its a good thing. i’m also downloading tv shows. looks like its going to be a night in for me. good thing i have a bottle of wine and steak marinating in the fridge. le sigh.

thoughts at 3:25 AM:

i’ve been searching for a way to express this pent up feeling inside of me. a lot has happened in the last few days and i don’t think its shown at all. life is a confusing thing, always… but it seems to be getting more crazy right now. i’ve spent a vast amount of time trying to avoid the thoughts going through my head, but the more i try to avoid this, the more it seems that i need to face it head on. i’m not a child any more so trying to avoid things is no longer an option. i’m feeling conflicted and this is seriously starting to affect my judgement. i wish that i could turn back time, but at the same time i realize that i would lose out on so much. if i turn back the last three years, i would have lost so many people that i care about currently. i would gladly take all the hardships i’ve endured so that i can have these people in my life right now. in the end i realize that my friends are more important to me than the money or the pain. they always will be. 

thoughts at 3:22 AM:

i did a lot today. i went to bed around 5 in the morning after coming home a little earlier from seeing lady bender at work. it was an easy night, we chatted a lot and that’s always good. she hugged me goodbye as usual and it was nice. well, around 10 i was woken up by a coworker needing their shift covered. knowing how i’ll be needing the money, i reluctantly agreed. of course being that early in the morning (relatively speaking of course) the thought of going back to sleep was going through my mind. originally i was going to sleep and then start my day… but fearing my laziness i actually got out of bed and started to attack the tremendous list of chores i had. i first finished updating my computer to mountain lion. i notice that it moves a lot faster in most areas, but a few of the applications are bit sluggish. i’m hoping that they’ll be updated soon. i then made some lunch, did my laundry, changed my sheets, swept and mopped my room (hardwood floors…), organized things a little bit, picked up my laundry (i live in NYC so the chances of having a laundromat near are high), and then got ready for work. i worked a regular, yet abnormally exhausting, shift. i’m just worn out emotionally. i’ve got too much on my mind. it also didn’t help that my friend called during my shift and took a joke i made the wrong way… had a bit of an earful from that. there’s just too much info being crammed into that tired and weathered machine. of course that person is always on my mind, they haven’t seemed to have left it lately. after work i enjoyed some down time on the train to just read. as soon as i got home i started dinner and kept cleaning and organizing. i found that i’m a lot more broke than i originally thought and all of my budgeting has gone to shit. i need a distraction and i think sleep might be the cure. i’m excited for seeing lady bender tomorrow, friends visiting from out of town, and possibly vegetarian deliciousness with lady bender on sunday. i have like 3 whole days off, one day of work, and then its the M83. i saw anamanaguchi play this past week, we shall see if M83 lives up to that craziness. my mush brain is telling me to lie down before i die.

thoughts at 3:21 AM:

my entire night has been spent trying to remember the title of a book i read when i was in… i want to say ninth or tenth grade. the only detail i remembered was that it was a science fiction book and it ended with the humans leaving the planet only to realize that it wasn’t some far off planet but rather mars. it took me hours to figure out it was out of the silent planet by cs lewis. of course i was also troubled by talking ethics with a pretty girl who insisted on distracting me by dancing around in an ill fitting top (i’m pretty sure it was backwards) and lace thong. she might’ve been fondling herself. my life is… awesome.

thoughts at 1:58 AM:

let me preface this post with an explanation behind my thoughts. those of you who actually follow my posts will notice a trend of sorts. i like tattoos and people with them (among other things but i’ll stay focused considering how long i’ve been awake). i myself have more than a few tattoos and always enjoy seeing good art on cool people. since i appreciate people with tattoos it can easily surmised that i like pretty girls with tattoos. i don’t really know why or where it came from, but i’ve enjoyed perusing the internet for pretty girls with tattoos since i was 14. now, seeing as i’m turning 25 at the end of the month, that is a very long period of time. now, i remember that it all started with suicide girls. i loved them for a while and then decided to look else where. i followed a few models here and then but not many kept my attention for long. a few years ago i stumbled across hattie watson. through her i found alysha nett. from there others like lauren peralta, cam damage, evelyn cates, rebecca crow and ilaria pozzi came into my perspective. hattie is a favorite of mine, but she shares the spotlight with the likes of alysha, rebecca, and ilaria (if you can’t tell). but lo and behold… i met alysha nett today. she walked into my store and i instantly recognized her. i freaked out. meeting dakota fanning didn’t freak me out at all. but alysha was… cool. for lack of a better word, she was cool. she was really nice actually. super nice. genuine smile and genuine kindness. i think that’s rare nowadays, especially with the people and clientele i’ve dealt with. some people are very down to earth and others have their head in the clouds while they’re looking down on you. alysha was the former. but the entire event was just surreal. never in my life did i expect the alysha nett to simply stroll into my store for a drink. she’s so cool. definitely an idol of mine for the sheer fact that she’s out there doing something she likes and actually making a living from it. it reminds me that i kinda have to get out there and do my own thing as well. sleep first though. i’ve been awake for like 2 days.

thoughts at 2:59 PM:

i am a victim of my own emotions. i have an incessant need to be around other people and at the same time to drive myself away from them. in short, i feel much too deeply. i feel joy that raises me to the heavens and then sadness that grounds me into the earth. i focus on what once was but remain blind to what’s in front of me. i repeat all of these mistakes that i’ve made over and over, again and again. what good is all of this education and learning if i’m still a novice at everything? these words have lost their cathartic appeal long ago and yet i still write them. but for who’s sake do i write these words? mine? hers? yours? i have no clue. i grow weary of this and i wonder when this is going to end.

thoughts at 4:09 AM:

well so much for that. as soon as i finished my last post both of my very drunk roommates crashed into my room and proceeded to drag me out to the bar. after listening to one of bitch and complain about how his girlfriend was flirtatious while i sat there thinking he did the same thing to her. i thought about the irony and the complete unfairness of the situation. i sat there choking down my drink as he yelled obscenities at nearly everyone. not only did he almost got the shit kicked out of us numerous times, he also caused several people that were driving to stop in the middle of the road and stare at his stupidity. here i am trying to calm my mind and get to sleep when all i want to do is just leave everything behind and disappear. yes i am too dependent on other people. yes i do live for other people. yes i do care too much about people. i feel battered and abused but i don’t think anyone care to hear my bitching. so i’m going to stop.

thoughts at 1:59 AM:

i need a shower because its nigh unbearably muggy in my room even with a fan on. contemplating lifting the 150 pound, 20 year old AC unit into the window. almost done with my new tattoo design, but now that i’m this close it probably won’t ever get done. or if it does it won’t be by my hand. most likely the person tattooing it will finish the last few steps and details. shower time. cold shower… to numb everything i’m trying to not think about so maybe i can sleep for more than an hour uninterrupted tonight.

thoughts at 3:10 AM:

my tumblr is mostly made of up tattooed chicks, pandas, skulls, cartoons, cute things, robots, and sad things. i’m okay with that. i think my life is imploding in on itself.

thoughts at 1:35 AM:

i’m trying to not think about the coming weeks because i’m seriously dreading going back to ohio. my time is pretty much booked solid between now and pretty much until the third week of may. i know that i need the extra money so i’m work a sunday to next, next thursday period… that’s 12 straight days of hell for a total of about 70 hours of work. its not a lot, but very demanding and taxing my already stressed mind. i’m just tired of all this nonsense. i thought i would’ve figured out my life already. its crazy to think that in two and a half months i will have lived here in NYC for a year. i don’t really have a lot to show for it either. its been seven months since i’ve been in ohio. i left the first time not really knowing if i wanted to leave. i left the second time not really knowing if i should go back. this time i’m going back with the feeling that i don’t want to go back. i want to escape ohio. i want to escape my life for a while. i need a break from working my dead end job. i need a break from sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the middle of brooklyn. i need a break from worrying about why i’m going back to ohio. i just really need a break from myself and just be someone else for a while. being me isn’t as much fun as i make it sound.

thoughts at 9:46 AM:

its been a weird last 12 hours…i had dinner pretty late last night but it was nothing too out of the ordinary. i remember being awake past 1:30 but things get kinda hazy after that. at some point i turned the volume down on my computer because the music was still playing. i woke up once again around 3:45 to put my computer to sleep because my downloads had finished. some point after that i moved my computer from my night stand to where it usually is because the lights were too bright. i woke up again at 6:33 and facebooked… what i don’t really know. i woke up again around 9ish and then decided to roll out of bed at 9:18. my brain feels sluggish but my body seems rested. i have the weird feeling that the bags under my eyes are heavy… i only get that feeling when i haven’t slept. i was really restless last night. i’ve been thinking about too many things and its starting to take its toll on my body. i need to center myself.

thoughts at 1:30 AM:

i’ve given serious though to quitting my job and becoming a line cook somewhere. i’ve given serious thought to what i want to do with my life and cooking seems like a possibility. i’ve also given serious thought to the fact that if cooking is my in fact my career of choice, i might come to hate it… or at least feel less passionate about it, much in the same way i feel about photography at this moment. i’m not saying that i don’t like taking pictures, but i like taking them for myself. i’ve been in the photography industry and i didn’t like it. i could go into printmaking, but towards the end of my formal education in printmaking everything was just a chore. ceramics was given heavy consideration but right now if i went back i would have to start from square one. and everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, associated with ceramics would carry that quality of nostalgia and heartbreak (long story) that i really don’t need right now. i’m questioning what i’m doing with my life, why i’m doing it, and who it makes happy in the end… because in the end i’m not the one who’s happy. all i can see right now is what is immediately in front of me. that consists of:

• cleaning my room
• doing my laundry
• buying more hangers for my closet
• getting a hair cut
• wondering if the AC unit in my room still works
• updating my phone
• general reorganization

maybe i should go get another degree, or my masters degree. i feel unfulfilled. i feel probably like what everyone else around me feels.

thoughts at 3:40 AM:

well, looks like i got another of my regular’s numbers today. she came in and i just handed her my phone. and then when i got it back i had her number. the rest of the day was alright. my friend was really excited because she got a new job. all in all, it was a pretty good day. maybe not as good as yesterday, but still pretty good.

thoughts at 2:26 AM:

today was a good day. i managed to wake up at a decent and get out of my house a few before i needed to head into work. i saw jen while she was working and gave her some macaron and a neon indian ticket. she was pretty excited about everything and couldn’t stop smiling. i then decided to go buy some spring clothes and went to uniqlo. they had an awesome sale on oxford shirts so i bought three of them. i figured i needed new jeans about two new pairs as well. on my way over to my store i stopped by rainbow and bought a new pair of sandals. i like them, but they’re a bit tight. the clerk at the store said i needed to break them in but they’ll definitely be worth the few days of discomfort. feeling a bit hungry i went to whole foods and got a rather healthy lunch. it appalled me that i spent 7 dollars on my salads (i got two kinds) and another 7 dollars on my lemonade. yes, lemonade. it was delicious and definitely made me feel better. on my way to work i ran into L2 of all people. she was just standing there at the coffee kiosk that i pass almost everyday. it was crazy. she’s just as nice as ever and i even got her number. work passed without too much incidence. i came home, made dinner, put my laundry away, and cleaned my room. i feel good about myself. it was a good day and i’m pretty happy with the way things turned out. i did accidentally facetime L2 and texted her an apology, but have yet to get a reply (not that i was really expecting one). i’m not too excited about going to work early tomorrow, but i need the extra money. such is the life i suppose. and since i need to work early, i should go to bed early. well… earlier.

thoughts at 1:58 AM:

in the last 48 hours i have worked a ludicrously long shift, woke up at 7:30AM, eaten at three different restaurants within 3 hours, walked to the park to watch the moonrise, went down to coney island at 3AM, ran away from psychotic girl mumbling to herself while swinging a subway sandwich like a club, saved (or tried to) a giant (like 2 foot long with the tail) horseshoe crab, wandered along the pier wondering why people were fishing at 5AM, wondered what the hell the guy sitting on the very end of the pier was doing (he didn’t move for 45 minutes in the 30 degree weather and was not fishing), ate mcd’s breakfast at 6AM, went to bed at 7AM, slept for 9 hours, wandered around the ENTIRE LES/soho/chinatown area, bought more candy, got issue three of adventure time, burned myself on soup dumplings, probably ate cat or dog at a chinese restaurant (sure as hell it wasn’t beef), got a dozen macaron, talked to three of my favorite ladies, downloaded 4 seasons of mad men and game of thrones, downloaded 4 new albums, and am currently downloading a movie while typing this. i’m going to wake up early and do laundry before work. i am a machine.